Jaw Dropping Journey: I'm Alive

No.. I did not die 5 months post-op. It's not really a risk so don't worry. Although I was told my heart kept stopping while healing in the hospital and the machines would start screaming every few minutes. I don't remember this bc I was knocked out on morphine. What's that I'm feeling? Pain? Nausea? Feeling at all? In any form? Push the button! Morphine me up! That was great I tell ya. I feel like I pushed that button for a rush of morphine every 10 minutes. Within seconds, relief. If only that morphine drip could follow me home and stay attached for.. oh, I don't know.. 8 weeks? Really I'd be good with the first 3 weeks. Then I'd need it only at night for the following 5. I did not sleep much AT ALL. Try laying flat on your back while not being allowed to turn to the side in the slightest for 8 whole weeks. Try it for ONE night, I bet you fail miserably. It's only natural for your body to toss and turn until it finds a comfortable position. That natural right was stripped from me and I was not happy about it. That was one of the hardest things while my new bones were so fragile, healing and growing. It gave me the worst neck ache and back ache ever, no matter what position I tried. Tyson would make me a new elevated bed each night with pillows. He was a master at that. I love him lots.

I've been absent for a couple months. There are still people out there reading my blog, whether its family and friends who want to know if healing is done with and good now or complete strangers reading for entertainment or people who are going through their own jaw surgery, or other surgery for that matter. So let me continue to tell you how progress is going for me at this point.. 5 months post-op.

life has been basically back to normal for a couple months now
Ive been able to exercise for about 2 months. I ran 4 miles up here in the mountains the other morning with ease! This whole 'having a full esophagus' thing is S U P E R B
ortho appnts are now once a month ( I drive to Vegas once a month for my appnts and I get to see ALL my family, including my 10 nieces and nephews! This makes my heart so happy)
as of 3 weeks ago, I am now on normal "hard chew" diet! except for raw broccoli and carrots and nuts
I am still severely allergic to Almonds (more on that later)
chewing is still an odd sensation and a bit difficult with some foods
I can now open my mouth 28cm- a nice jump from 22cm just three weeks ago
my gums are still numb.. completely. makes for difficult times while eating chips. hence, I get poked all the time. the numbness is no concern, it takes anywhere from 2-12 months for feeling to come back. with that being said, my surgeon's assistant is extremely pleased with my lip emotions. she says my swelling and use of mouth is beyond average healing. yay for me!
I do have a lot more use of emotions on my face now that the muscles are relaxing and being worked full time. not back to 100% yet, but a whole lot better
people don't seem to have a hard time understanding me when I talk :)
fast, short syllables are more difficult to annunciate. things like fifty-five
I am still Syd the Sloth when I eat.. slow.. slow.. slow
I am not messy when I eat anymore! no more tearing food like a wolf
I. CAN. BITE. pizza. sandwiches. tacos. burgers. you name it. I bite it. it doesn't slide right out of the middle and fall out all over the place. it's amazing!
still working my way into hard foods. things that are hard to chew right now: steak, breaded chicken, dense crackers like wheat thins etc. I can NOT WAIT until I can eat Buffalo Wild Wings again!!!

Apparently my body is not friends with almonds. Not too big of a deal for me because I've never liked them. The weekend before surgery (when it was scheduled for january) I had a sip, a SIP, to taste a smoothie that had some almonds in it. Thought that a sip wouldn't do any harm. The next morning I woke up early to my throat closing and a hoarse voice. We didn't figure out until later that it was from that stupid tiny sip. That stupid tiny sip caused me, Tyson and my parents a lot of stress. If you've been following my blog then you know that surgery has been pushed back multiple times. January of this year (2013) was the closest we came to keeping a surgery date, only to get to the surgeon's office, 2 days out from operation, and have him tell me he wont operate because he thought I was sick due to the closing throat, hoarse voice and lots of mucus in my sinus. We later found out I was not sick at all, it was allergies. So that begun another battle. Another time I ate almonds knowing full well I am allergic, but thinking they would be fine because they were cooked and the composition would be altered, I woke up later that night with an ever swelling, compulsively itching, rock hard nose.. which then expanded to my top lip, making it extremely difficult to sleep to say the least. hah! If only I had a picture of that. I'm sure I looked very Shrek-ish. I have what they call a delayed reaction. I think I'll steer clear of almonds.

A few things I have learned through this process:

Our life is not our own.. not really. It is best left in the hands of The Lord. He has a plan for my life, He has a time line for my life. No matter how bad I wanted surgery to happen YEARS ago, it was just simply not my time. No matter how much I think life would have been better off getting the surgery 5 years ago when this big ordeal first came about and Drs' wanted to operate and I could have been living blissfully with a couple kids by now and my life wouldn't have been on hold for so long.. it just simply was not my time. That is what I wanted. Not The Lord. Although in my mortal mind I think life would have been better that way, Heavenly Father sees the bigger picture. There were things I needed to learn. Things I needed to experience. Things I needed to grow from and see changes. Changes I needed to make within myself. And that was the purpose of this trial. Because every trial is a learning and growing experience. But you must let it be just that. Every trial is a test of faith. When you are in your darkest times, do you give in and give up? Or do you turn to The Lord for help. The answer should always be turning to The Lord. Easier said than done. I know. I've been there. Trust me. There were times so dark and desperate I didn't think I could go on any longer. It was then that I realized that must be what it feels like for those who commit suicide. I never toyed with the idea myself. I just know the feeling. And it is unexplainable. There are no words to describe it. It comes when you hate yourself the most. The way you look. They way you are. Your attitude. Your reactions. The person you've become. You feel like you've gotten so far away from who you were and who you want to be you can't possibly see a way back. These are all feelings you keep to yourself. This is Satan slowly forcing his way into your life. Little by little, piece by piece he pushes in. "You're not pretty" "You're a loser" "You're not funny, no one likes you" "You don't have friends" "You're family doesn't love you" etc. All it takes is you believing each little phrase. And just like that, he is slowly sneaking into your mind and gaining more control. Until one day, you're just not happy. No matter what you or anyone else does. You fake it on the outside, but inside there is the emptiness and your heart physically aches. You are no longer happy because you have let your negative thoughts get the better of you and now they are taking control. You have no light. You have no spirit. Some people notice. Some do not. When those closest to you do not notice, you cry yourself to sleep every night thinking life couldn't get worse. You've allowed evil to enter your heart and mind. This is where suicide comes from.

I wish I could tell you that was a dark depressing story I once read. Unfortunately, it is not. That was my real life experience. I hate to get so dark and emotional. And I rarely have told anyone about those moments in my life. But I am so far from that now that I can openly talk about it in certain situations. I felt like I needed to share it. Whatever. I've learned that when a thought comes into my head I act upon it. That goes back to one of my beginning posts, about an evil spirit that entered my body. That happened during these dark times. The grossest, weirdest, most depressing thing I have ever experienced. And by experiencing that, I now know how to avoid it in the future. And avoid it I will!!

When we are suffering, it is in our darkest hour that The Lord comes to our rescue. It is only after all we can do when we are so desperate that He comes to our aid. I'm so grateful my Dad shared the bible story with me about the 4th watch. It has helped me a lot and has since become my favorite. In a nut shell- there are 4 'watches' during the night. Most biblical references to time at night are given as a reference to 1 of 4 different Watches of the Night. The starting time for the first watch is sunset- 6pm. Then the second watch at 9pm. The third at 12 midnight and the fourth watch at 3am. The Disciples were in a boat out at sea. There came a storm and things got rough and scary for them. They struggled to get to shore, stay in the boat, etc. Jesus sat on the hill and watched them struggle all night long. It was not until the 4th watch that he walked out to them to help and calm the storm. Why? Because they needed to try all they could do themselves before Jesus rescued them. We have to experience bad before we can know good. After all you can do, when you are in your deepest despair, that is when The Lord comes to rescue us. If He came in the 1st watch, we would not learn anything from our struggle. How does a baby learn things are hot? Unfortunately by getting burned, by experiencing it.

I've also learned empathy. Not sympathy. I never truly understood the difference until now. Basically when you have sympathy for someone, you feel sorry for them. If you have empathy for another, you feel for them. Sympathy= "I'm sorry you don't feel well" "That sucks" "I'd hate to be her". Empathy is when you can share heart break. If even for a moment. Empathy for me is when I hear a strangers story on the news of losing a leg when being hit by a car and my mind imagines for a minute how awful that person must feel. How the pain they went through was probably unbearable. How shocked they must be when they find out life will never be the same. How I wish that they didn't have to suffer that and it makes me sad.

I guess I must add that my empathy only goes so far. If you come running to me and start babbling about how tired and sore you are because you stayed up way too late, didn't sleep well, worked out hard then ate too much and tripped over the curb resulting in bags under your eyes, blisters and sore muscles, bloated and painful stomach and a scratched knee..... Welllll, you're not going to get much of anything from me. No empathy nor sympathy. I may simply say to you- go to bed earlier, take a sleeping pill, don't work out too hard, don't eat too much and those curbs will get ya so watch out. Sorry. Sorry not sorry because those are all things within your control.. well I cant really help you with the curb, that's life hah! But I bet it was funny to see you trip. Lezzbehonest, it's funny when people fall. But if that's all you have to complain about, there are MILLIONS who would take those problems in a heart beat. There are millions who have problems out of their control. There are millions who have problems that aren't even fixable and have to live with it the rest of their life. That breaks my heart. I cant imagine living my entire life without getting surgery to fix my problem. Many thanks and gratitudes coming from me always, for the rest of my life, for my problem being fixable.

We all struggle. We all have a battle within ourselves at some point in our lives. There is one phrase that has summed up my journey quite perfectly I think. Because like I said.. My life is in the hands of my Lord. I leap without thought and jump without looking, because I have learned and I know that He will ALWAYS be there to catch me.

My phrase:

Let your faith be bigger than your fear

Stay happy my friends. This life is what you make it. Your attitude is the thoughts and judgments you let creep into your mind. Look for the positive- ALWAYS. And if you want to be happy, Be.

Yes, it's that simple.

first pizza

look at that clean bite!!

sister time with my Gabs

first burger in over 150 days. it was a far stretch

yes i craved 711 nachos

Tiger's 10 yr high school reunion

lets talk about this for a moment- i hate free falls. hate them. Tiger made me go on one at Lagoon- 150 foot drop. scariest thing sitting up top waiting for that drop. when all was said and done it was actually kind of fun. this one pictured here.. 400 FOOT DROP!!! more than double the height for the one at lagoon!! bc I love him dearly, I went on it. had it been possible to poop my pants i would have shamelessly. i HATED life in that moment. when you get to the top the tower sways in the wind from side to side bc its so high. never experienced anything so terrifying in my life. i absolutely love rides and roller coasters and drops, but this- I was petrified. your stomach never catches, it just continues to fall. and you're praying you don't die at the top bc when the tower rocks in the wind it feels like it is just going to lean right over and keep falling. never. again.