I'm Alive

No.. I did not die 5 months post-op. It's not really a risk so don't worry. Although I was told my heart kept stopping while healing in the hospital and the machines would start screaming every few minutes. I don't remember this bc I was knocked out on morphine. What's that I'm feeling? Pain? Nausea? Feeling at all? In any form? Push the button! Morphine me up! That was great I tell ya. I feel like I pushed that button for a rush of morphine every 10 minutes. Within seconds, relief. If only that morphine drip could follow me home and stay attached for.. oh, I don't know.. 8 weeks? Really I'd be good with the first 3 weeks. Then I'd need it only at night for the following 5. I did not sleep much AT ALL. Try laying flat on your back while not being allowed to turn to the side in the slightest for 8 whole weeks. Try it for ONE night, I bet you fail miserably. It's only natural for your body to toss and turn until it finds a comfortable position. That natural right was stripped from me and I was not happy about it. That was one of the hardest things while my new bones were so fragile, healing and growing. It gave me the worst neck ache and back ache ever, no matter what position I tried. Tyson would make me a new elevated bed each night with pillows. He was a master at that. I love him lots.

I've been absent for a couple months. There are still people out there reading my blog, whether its family and friends who want to know if healing is done with and good now or complete strangers reading for entertainment or people who are going through their own jaw surgery, or other surgery for that matter. So let me continue to tell you how progress is going for me at this point.. 5 months post-op.

• life has been basically back to normal for a couple months now
• Ive been able to exercise for about 2 months. I ran 4 miles up here in the mountains the other morning with ease! This whole 'having a full esophagus' thing is  S U P E R B
• ortho appnts are now once a month ( I drive to Vegas once a month for my appnts and I get to see ALL my family, including my 10 nieces and nephews! This makes my heart so happy)
• as of 3 weeks ago, I am now on normal "hard chew" diet! except for raw broccoli and carrots and nuts
• I am still severely allergic to Almonds (more on that later)
• chewing is still an odd sensation and a bit difficult with some foods
• I can now open my mouth 28cm- a nice jump from 22cm just three weeks ago
• my gums are still numb.. completely. makes for difficult times while eating chips. hence, I get poked all the time. the numbness is no concern, it takes anywhere from 2-12 months for feeling to come back. with that being said, my surgeon's assistant is extremely pleased with my lip emotions. she says my swelling and use of mouth is beyond average healing. yay for me!
• I do have a lot more use of emotions on my face now that the muscles are relaxing and being worked full time. not back to 100% yet, but a whole lot better
• people don't seem to have a hard time understanding me when I talk :)
• fast, short syllables are more difficult to annunciate. things like fifty-five
• I am still Syd the Sloth when I eat.. slow.. slow.. slow
• I am not messy when I eat anymore! no more tearing food like a wolf
• I. CAN. BITE.  pizza. sandwiches. tacos. burgers. you name it. I bite it. it doesn't slide right out of the middle and fall out all over the place. it's amazing!
• still working my way into hard foods. things that are hard to chew right now: steak, breaded chicken, dense crackers like wheat thins etc. I can NOT WAIT until I can eat Buffalo Wild Wings again!!! 

Apparently my body is not friends with almonds. Not too big of a deal for me because I've never liked them. The weekend before surgery (when it was scheduled for january) I had a sip, a SIP, to taste a smoothie that had some almonds in it. Thought that a sip wouldn't do any harm. The next morning I woke up early to my throat closing and a hoarse voice. We didn't figure out until later that it was from that stupid tiny sip. That stupid tiny sip caused me, Tyson and my parents a lot of stress. If you've been following my blog then you know that surgery has been pushed back multiple times. January of this year (2013) was the closest we came to keeping a surgery date, only to get to the surgeon's office, 2 days out from operation, and have him tell me he wont operate because he thought I was sick due to the closing throat, hoarse voice and lots of mucus in my sinus. We later found out I was not sick at all, it was allergies. So that begun another battle. Another time I ate almonds knowing full well I am allergic, but thinking they would be fine because they were cooked and the composition would be altered, I woke up later that night with an ever swelling, compulsively itching, rock hard nose.. which then expanded to my top lip, making it extremely difficult to sleep to say the least. hah! If only I had a picture of that. I'm sure I looked very Shrek-ish. I have what they call a delayed reaction. I think I'll steer clear of almonds. 

A few things I have learned through this process:

Our life is not our own.. not really. It is best left in the hands of The Lord. He has a plan for my life, He has a time line for my life. No matter how bad I wanted surgery to happen YEARS ago, it was just simply not my time. No matter how much I think life would have been better off getting the surgery 5 years ago when this big ordeal first came about and Drs' wanted to operate and I could have been living blissfully with a couple kids by now and my life wouldn't have been on hold for so long.. it just simply was not my time. That is what I wanted. Not The Lord. Although in my mortal mind I think life would have been better that way, Heavenly Father sees the bigger picture. There were things I needed to learn. Things I needed to experience. Things I needed to grow from and see changes. Changes I needed to make within myself. And that was the purpose of this trial. Because every trial is a learning and growing experience. But you must let it be just that. Every trial is a test of faith. When you are in your darkest times, do you give in and give up? Or do you turn to The Lord for help. The answer should always be turning to The Lord. Easier said than done. I know. I've been there. Trust me. There were times so dark and desperate I didn't think I could go on any longer. It was then that I realized that must be what it feels like for those who commit suicide. I never toyed with the idea myself. I just know the feeling. And it is unexplainable. There are no words to describe it. It comes when you hate yourself the most. The way you look. They way you are. Your attitude. Your reactions. The person you've become. You feel like you've gotten so far away from who you were and who you want to be you can't possibly see a way back. These are all feelings you keep to yourself. This is Satan slowly forcing his way into your life. Little by little, piece by piece he pushes in. "You're not pretty" "You're a loser" "You're not funny, no one likes you" "You don't have friends" "You're family doesn't love you" etc. All it takes is you believing each little phrase. And just like that, he is slowly sneaking into your mind and gaining more control. Until one day, you're just not happy. No matter what you or anyone else does. You fake it on the outside, but inside there is the emptiness and your heart physically aches. You are no longer happy because you have let your negative thoughts get the better of you and now they are taking control. You have no light. You have no spirit. Some people notice. Some do not. When those closest to you do not notice, you cry yourself to sleep every night thinking life couldn't get worse. You've allowed evil to enter your heart and mind. This is where suicide comes from. 

I wish I could tell you that was a dark depressing story I once read. Unfortunately, it is not. That was my real life experience. I hate to get so dark and emotional. And I rarely have told anyone about those moments in my life. But I am so far from that now that I can openly talk about it in certain situations. I felt like I needed to share it. Whatever. I've learned that when a thought comes into my head I act upon it. That goes back to one of my beginning posts, about an evil spirit that entered my body. That happened during these dark times. The grossest, weirdest, most depressing thing I have ever experienced. And by experiencing that, I now know how to avoid it in the future. And avoid it I will!! 

When we are suffering, it is in our darkest hour that The Lord comes to our rescue. It is only after all we can do when we are so desperate that He comes to our aid. I'm so grateful my Dad shared the bible story with me about the 4th watch. It has helped me a lot and has since become my favorite. In a nut shell- there are 4 'watches' during the night. Most biblical references to time at night are given as a reference to 1 of 4 different Watches of the Night. The starting time for the first watch is sunset- 6pm. Then the second watch at 9pm. The third at 12 midnight and the fourth watch at 3am. The Disciples were in a boat out at sea. There came a storm and things got rough and scary for them. They struggled to get to shore, stay in the boat, etc. Jesus sat on the hill and watched them struggle all night long. It was not until the 4th watch that he walked out to them to help and calm the storm. Why? Because they needed to try all they could do themselves before Jesus rescued them. We have to experience bad before we can know good. After all you can do, when you are in your deepest despair, that is when The Lord comes to rescue us. If He came in the 1st watch, we would not learn anything from our struggle. How does a baby learn things are hot? Unfortunately by getting burned, by experiencing it.

I've also learned empathy. Not sympathy. I never truly understood the difference until now. Basically when you have sympathy for someone, you feel sorry for them. If you have empathy for another, you feel for them. Sympathy= "I'm sorry you don't feel well" "That sucks"  "I'd hate to be her". Empathy is when you can share heart break. If even for a moment. Empathy for me is when I hear a strangers story on the news of losing a leg when being hit by a car and my mind imagines for a minute how awful that person must feel. How the pain they went through was probably unbearable. How shocked they must be when they find out life will never be the same. How I wish that they didn't have to suffer that and it makes me sad.

I guess I must add that my empathy only goes so far. If you come running to me and start babbling about how tired and sore you are because you stayed up way too late, didn't sleep well, worked out hard then ate too much and tripped over the curb resulting in bags under your eyes, blisters and sore muscles, bloated and painful stomach and a scratched knee..... Welllll, you're not going to get much of anything from me. No empathy nor sympathy. I may simply say to you- go to bed earlier, take a sleeping pill, don't work out too hard, don't eat too much and those curbs will get ya so watch out. Sorry. Sorry not sorry because those are all things within your control.. well I cant really help you with the curb, that's life hah! But I bet it was funny to see you trip. Lezzbehonest, it's funny when people fall. But if that's all you have to complain about, there are MILLIONS who would take those problems in a heart beat. There are millions who have problems out of their control. There are millions who have problems that aren't even fixable and have to live with it the rest of their life. That breaks my heart. I cant imagine living my entire life without getting surgery to fix my problem. Many thanks and gratitudes coming from me always, for the rest of my life, for my problem being fixable.

We all struggle. We all have a battle within ourselves at some point in our lives. There is one phrase that has summed up my journey quite perfectly I think.  Because like I said.. My life is in the hands of my Lord. I leap without thought and jump without looking, because I have learned and I know that He will ALWAYS be there to catch me.

My phrase:

Let your faith be bigger than your fear

Stay happy my friends. This life is what you make it. Your attitude is the thoughts and judgments you let creep into your mind. Look for the positive- ALWAYS. And if you want to be happy, Be.

Yes, it's that simple.

first pizza

look at that clean bite!!

sister time with my Gabs

first burger in over 150 days. it was a far stretch

yes i craved 711 nachos

Tiger's 10 yr high school reunion

lets talk about this for a moment- i hate free falls. hate them. Tiger made me go on one at Lagoon- 150 foot drop. scariest thing sitting up top waiting for that drop. when all was said and done it was actually kind of fun. this one pictured here.. 400 FOOT DROP!!! more than double the height for the one at lagoon!! bc I love him dearly, I went on it. had it been possible to poop my pants i would have shamelessly. i HATED life in that moment. when you get to the top the tower sways in the wind from side to side bc its so high. never experienced anything so terrifying in my life. i absolutely love rides and roller coasters and drops, but this- I was petrified. your stomach never catches, it just continues to fall. and you're praying you don't die at the top bc when the tower rocks in the wind it feels like it is just going to lean right over and keep falling. never. again.

stuck in cali traffic. we went to 6 flags! one of my happy places!

bestie from childhood and her perfectly adorable miracle babe

this is me. i like me.

huntington beach street fair with ma boo

week of surgery, 3 weeks after, 10 weeks after, 15 weeks after surgery

same place, same girl, one year later

Free Willy!

Guess what? I have normal braces again!! Who knew I would be so excited for braces haha. I've only had them half my life. But I've had those bulky acrylic (plastic, wax looking) things on both sides of my teeth for three months. Their purpose was to hold together my jaw where Dr Arnett cut it into three segments, so I guess they were pretty necessary. I guess I kinda needed something strong to hold the pieces together while they heal right?

Anyway they are finally gone! And I finally have one regular consistent wire all the way across my top teeth. To me, my braces look slim and neat now. Neat like clean, not like cool, cause if it were up to me, these braces would be off! But that is still awhile coming so don't get hasty. Dr says the braces need to be on for at least a year after surgery. Boo. But whatever! I have a jaw.. a chin.. a proportioned face! And FOREVER GRATEFUL I will be!! I still thank The Lord in my nightly prayers that my condition was fixable, that I was blessed with such good healing and that the results turned out amazing and very pleasing to me and my family. (Don't get me wrong, it was still AWFUL AWFUL, and you'll have to knock me over the head and drag me feet first into the hospital to ever go through anything like that again). With that being said.. let's see how birthing my babies goes! haha, heaven help me.

On a side note, feeling is still continuing to sneak its way back. However, the day I got my acrylic wraps off, was one of my more painful days and night. I was up constantly that night because my teeth hurt so bad! Earlier that night I went out with my good friend Kelli Royal. We were eating at cheesecake factory and just talking and eating our super soft (super delicious) cheesecake was killing me! Up until this point my teeth have been almost completely numb still. I guess because of all the pushing and prodding on my teeth earlier that day, it made them super sore.. and I could feel it!

Right now, at this point in the healing stage, the majority of the inside of my mouth is numb. I can feel my tongue and almost all of the roof of my mouth. I can taste food probably 80-90%. I can tell that the roof of my mouth is not fully back to normal and once it is I will be able to taste 100% again. I kind of eat like a cow. I am on soft chew diet (which is a.ma.zing!) but I kind of just gnaw on my food and mush it around in my mouth then swallow somewhat whole. The food gets broken up but not chewed up. It's still a very weird sensation to chew and I haven't quite mastered that yet. 

My teeth are starting to feel sensitivities. When I drink something cold, a few teeth will hurt. When certain teeth hit against another tooth, I feel it zing all along the nerve.

My gums =  still numb. Probably the most out of everything. I sometimes have to be careful when I am trying to pick food out of my mouth without a mirror. My gums feel soft like the food, so I'll try picking it. Since I can't feel it I don't know that I am picking my gums, not food. Hah. Thank goodness I haven't done any damage to myself. 

Food getting stuck in my teeth is another story. My tongue cant stretch like it used to so I cant get everything out of my braces. And when I try, it hurts. I'll be brushing me teeth at night and get whole noodles and pieces of food that come out. It's a real treat!

My mouth is still extremely tight and stiff. Talking is not back to normal yet, nor smiling, laughing, facial expressions etc. It's normal enough (I think? I can't see myself when I talk so I don't know what it looks like) But I can feel it and it's stiff and so not normal. That will take time. Much time, prob closer to the year mark. Full recovery is one year. So I'm assuming it just looks like I am a lazy talker and don't use my lips or mouth to annunciate words. It's quite funny actually.. I see the way people look at me when I talk to them- Strangers that is. Those who don't know I just had reconstructive jaw surgery. Like when I'm talking to a cashier at a store. And they sometimes have to say "what?" because they didn't quite understand me. It's funny the way they look at me- their face says things like "Use your mouth when you talk!" hahaha.

So these days I eat things like:

eggs

potatoes

pasta pasta pasta!

soft meats like shredded pork (I've been living off Casa Salza sweet pork enchilada- THE.BEST.THING.CREATED.IN.THE.HISTORY.OF.EVER)

beans

rice

burritos

breads

basically all the fatty starches!

I know I know what you're thinking- "she needs those fat foods!" "she needs to fatten up!"

Please stop thinking that. No one needs to fatten up! Not even skinny girls. Perhaps they need more "meat on their bones" but that can consist of muscle and the healthy 'fats'. I am built small, always have been, always will be. Yes I did lose a lot of weight due to my 10 week liquid diet, but YES I HAVE been putting it back on now that I am eating normal food again. I am trying to build muscle not fat- because who wants to be flabby?! Uh, no one, that's who. Yes, I know I am small, I am grateful for that, but it wasn't a problem before surgery and I am only a couple pounds lighter than my pre-surgical weight. So all's well that ends well!! And p.s.- I've never been a clean healthy eater, I love my junk food. I have been a lot better since I got married (thanks to my sweet hubs Tyson) so I try to eat somewhat healthy for my body but I still love me some cupcakes and brownies.. It's all about moderation my friends! Sometimes I'm not so good at moderation though- but hey, we all make mistakes and I'll be forever working on that! :)

I have been able to work out lightly, and run a little bit for the past 3 weeks. It's been nice to feel the burn again! But holy hannah- IT. IS. HARD.

Sheesh. I had NO CLUE how much major surgery takes out of your body. Add that to not being able to work out for 3 months and you lose a ton of your stamina and muscles. It's like I haven't worked out a day in my life. It's like I haven't even climbed stairs in my life. It feels like I'm 500 pounds and trying to run an 8 minute mile. Talk about impossible! It's a work in progress. And I can not wait until I have the money and endurance to get back into cross fit. That is my absolute favorite thing. BEST way to work out. EVER. Hands down. You see results the quickest and its just an all around great work out for any body type. In the meantime, I have been doing the brazilian butt lift. It's a good one! I'm workin' on no saggy bums here! And toned thighs. I love the look of toned thighs so thats my goal. If you want a great home work out, check my pinterest board labeled 'someday'. There is a brazilian butt work out I pinned. It's basically a side picture of a naked toned bum, cant miss it! It's a killer I tell ya. :)

Here are some pictures of my life in the last few weeks!

celebrating our anniversary- 5 years! We're old

thought it'd be fun to throw in an oldy. this is about 2 years ago

sides before and after (sorry for bad quality)

through the process. day before surgery. week of surgery. 1.5-2 months after surgery

watching fireworks

totally normal

new babe born into the fam! "rock on" she says

babysitting the littles

another great creation. cake made into cupcakes!

no more acrylic wraps!

rodeo-ing

Ty got to hik the Uintahs.. Teeka missed him

loves on our way to vegas (I have lips now..good ones!) :)

some more littles. making strawberry jam, swimming, reading

Ma girl Kelli!

Until we meet again!

Peace and love.

Life is Good

I am just happy! Let me re-iterate.. I am a happy camper and I love life! I have been on a "soft chew" diet now for a week and a half and I couldn't be happier or love food more! Those who know the ins and outs of me ask how is that even possible.. Lana? Love food more than she did before surgery? Yup, beelieve it! It's possible. 10 weeks of nothing but puréed liquids gives a whole new meaning to food and chewing..and wasted food. I think I've discussed my thoughts on perfectly fine food that goes wasted in an earlier post.. it just irks me! When I saw someone not finish their food while I was just drinking away made me want to pummel them like a football player tackles his opponent. Not cool. But no worries! I can eat it now too!! Well, almost. Just the soft, mushy stuff. My little body has a tiny stomach. I don't eat much. It doesn't take much to satisfy my stomach. I say satisfy because I listen to my body and only eat until I am satisfied- NOT full. Because being full is too much and I don't want to go back to my old eating habits.. because I love food so much I would eat and eat until it was either gone ( and get more bc it was so divine ) or until I had to be rolled away from the table. Everything to me was just so delicious I just wanted to keep eating. And everything still is SO delicious, BUT my body does not need as much as I would like to eat.. that's just unhealthy. So I enjoy every single bite until I am satisfied, and because of that, I'll enjoy my healthy, fit body right along with my good eating habits. Forgive me for going on about this- but I am pretty proud of myself :) I thought once I could eat again I would go crazy and gorge myself. But the transition has actually been quite nice and easy. And my body has not had one single hard time adjusting between liquid to solid foods, so that's a plus too!

I have been back and forth between Utah, Vegas and Cali. I am a tricky one to keep track of. I can't even keep track of myself sometimes. So after the initial 3 weeks of healing hell in Santa Barbara, I was in Vegas for 5 weeks. Then I went back home to Utah for 2 weeks to take care of my hair and extension clients (come get yo' hair did by yours truly- me!) then back to Vegas and on to SB for more check ups with my surgeon and back to Vegas after that for more appointments with my ortho. Currently, I am in Utah again.. for my clients, for myself, for family, for life! In two weeks I'll return to Vegas- more check ups. If you couldn't tell, even 11 weeks later, everything is so so crucial. They checked my jaw, teeth and bite every week for 8 weeks. Now, it's been 11 weeks post op and I am being checked every other week. Yep, I have to drive back to Vegas every other week. But only until August. AND BEST PART?! TY AND I ARE GOING TO 6 FLAG'S FIRST WEEK OF AUGUST!! My surgeon's office is about 30 minutes from 6 Flag's, so when I go back for my 20 week check up in August- I am making it a par.tay!! Hate me for saying so... but I think I deserve it! :) And like I said awhile ago, my party is open invitation for all! Anyone want to come to 6 Flag's with us please call/text me.. we'd love to have you join us! :)

Sheesh, just talking about all that back and forth is exhausting me. It's also exhausting our bank accounts! Never mind the fact that the surgery was waaay more than expected and completely left us broke and sent us into debt for the first time EVER in our lives. Never mind the fact that we are homeless and had to pull out of buying the home we were currently living in. Never mind the fact that we are cool enough to live in a trailer in the coolest location ever. I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER. 

Ty's dad owns an RV business. So we pulled a trailer from his lot, put it on Tyson's parent's new home lot, in Elk Ridge (the most amazing place ever we LOVE) and there we are! Parked in the backyard of heaven. In the middle of the trees. Where deer freely roam my yard daily (this makes me very happy). Where we get our farm fresh eggs from the neighbors chickens down the street. And bees and hornets think my trailer is their home. With the most amazing views ever. Yes, I live in a trailer and I'm rockin' it. I am not ashamed. I actually kinda like it. It's peaceful and very calm. With nothing but the sounds of nature and birds all around. Where the dogs in the neighborhood prance from yard to yard with each other and Teeka thinks she owns them all, along with all the land, she couldn't be happier. She has a perma-smile. We are backed up by the mountains, a canyon and a golf course- does it get any better than that?! Just wait until you see my pics. Jealousy will ensue. :)

I have noticed a few things since surgery

• My neck has not bothered me since I was able to sleep on my side 3 weeks ago!! That's. Big.
• I am not afraid to be in front of people. I am not afraid to talk to people. I don't care when people look at me or even stare- in fact.. stare away! I like my new face and I'm not hiding!
• My confidence has been greatly boosted and is growing as I continue to work on becoming the person I want to be
• I can laugh a lot more- at anything, at myself. I am not perfect, so when I have moments of retardedness, I can laugh at myself rather than feeling inadequate or getting defensive. So I did or said something stupid.. don't we all?
• I am not as afraid to be goofy. I was so worried about my deteriorating appearance that I tried to be perfect in every other aspect I could to make up for it. I was afraid to be goofy and really be myself and let loose for fear of others negative thoughts. Or worse- my husbands disapproval, shame etc. I am starting to realize once again- who cares if others think you're weird? We all need a bit of goofiness in our lives. Maybe even more than a bit! You can't please everyone in this world, but if you are a good person and can laugh at yourself and are not afraid to be goofy- you win!
• People genuinely care. And for that, I am thankful

I am still amazed at how many of you have been concerned, curious and supportive through this whole thing. I am talking to you reading this right now- Thank you. It's been so great to be able to document this whole experience not only for my own life and to keep family and friends in the loop, but for others and anyone who wants to read for fun! I love hearing "I love your blog", "I read your blog", "I stalk your blog" etc. It makes me feel good to know that people like/care what I have to say. I am here for your entertainment! :)

And for the rest of my life, I will forever have a testimony of the 'power of prayers from others'. *epiphany moment-  was this trial just for me to learn that?! If The Lord gave me this trial for me to learn just that -> the power of prayers from others..that's extremely rude and I don't like it. Not a good idea. There are far easier ways to learn that! Hah. Kidding.. but seriously.

It's safe to say I have learned FAR more than just that. But YIKES that was NOT a fun way to learn. 

Through it all, I have seen, witnessed, read and heard of others' hard things they go through in life and I don't know how they do it. While no one can imagine how hard it was for me to struggle with this for five. long. years. occasionally I find myself saying "I'll take my trial 10 times over than to go through what "they" are going through". Though I still don't wish it upon anyone... though.. I probably couldn't care less if this experience was handed to a certain person of power, whose name begins with an 'o'.. juust sayin'..

And now my friends, feast your eyes upon these:

golf course and valley view

running trail in our backyard which leads into the thick of the mountains.. home of bears and mtn lions- watch out!

welcome to my humble aboad- and I do mean humble in its humblest form- double wide baby

rolling hills and off to the right is the 12th hole

just drivin' home

drivin' down the mountain on my way into the city

sunset in the backyard of heaven

my new pet Fred

more of the golf course and city

daily occurrence :D (sorry its blurry)

LIFE GOALS:

and that's okay!!

firmly believe this one. i mean look at me now- lost a great home, homeless, living in a trailer, no money whatsoever, married 5 years and still no babes allowed (have to wait one year AT LEAST, maybe longer, after surgery) because of all my traveling I can't work full time, limited diet and still haven't regained half my strength...YET- I couldn't be happier and I LOVE LIFE! :D

Amen!

keep telling yourself that! :)

I LOVE FOOD!

Wednesday, the 29th of May, I walked into my surgeon's office. "I want to hear I can eat today, that's all I'm here for!" I said to the doc. "I appreciate your blunt honesty" Dr replies with a chuckle.

After some 'hello's' and 'how are you's', the Dr does some measurements and the assistant writes them down. He then grabs a wooden stick and has me tap my teeth against it then bite down on it, on both sides..

"Yep, you can eat" he says!

HALLELUJAH THAT IS SWEET, JOYFUL, MUSIC TO MY EARS!!

IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!

My favorite place to eat is PF Chang's. Santa Barbara is quite confused on their priorities because there is no PF Chang's for MILES. (Dr's office is in Santa Barbara) So, another favorite is CPK (California Pizza Kitchen). And no, I do not go there for the pizza. I don't really like pizza. I went for the Mediterranean Focaccia bread and Chicken Piccata! And oh my heck it was heavenly! Wow, I just loved and loved every second of it!! FINALLY, something other than a soup or smoothie! 10 weeks.. 10 WEEKS of straight puréed diet! Nothing but a soup or smoothie! Aye yi yi I am SO over those two items!
I kept swallowing without chewing. Just habit. It's like my mouth doesn't quite know what to do. It is a bit difficult. I can only open my mouth half way. Right now I am at 22cm and full range is 43cm (give or take, I dont remember the exact #). So I still have to shove and squeeze my food in, then its difficult to chew because I can't open my mouth enough to get the food in between my teeth all the way. Add to that the fact that all muscles are extremely stiff and I am still numb inside and outside of my mouth. So I chew like a cow. And I'm not complaining! Because I actually GET to chew! And I get variety! SO much variety! It's amazing and I'm lovin' it!! I loved food before surgery and I love it even more now. I didn't think that was possible. I also have a new appreciation for food and it drives me nuts when I see a perfectly good piece of food going to waste. AH!
I've done really well pacing myself when I eat to not stuff myself so full I get sick. I'm quite surprised actually hah. I just listen to my body and stomach and when I am satisfied, I stop. I so badly want to keep eating because its SO dang delicious , but I don't, because I know if I do I will be sick and get into a habit of eating more than my body needs. And luckily it doesn't really hurt when I eat. My muscles will get sore from all the hard work (yes it is totally hard work for my mouth right now haha), but it lasts just a short while. I thought it would be worse.. so yay for that!
My mom got me a little celebratory gift bag which included:
soft chew Chips Ahoy choc. chip cookies
chocolate drops with vanilla filled middle
chocolate creams with choc. creme in the middle
a box of pasta noodles
and a super yummy sauce to go with it
AND
no celebration is complete without CONFETTI CUPCAKES! And confetti frosting of course.
D to the VINE. Those cupcakes are always, always delicious and always, always make my heart happy!
Later that night for dessert we had frozen yogurt and I was able to eat my favorite toppings: cheesecake squares. Which is odd because I don't like cheesecake. However, after eating those little squares every now and then and being on purée diet for so long, I don't think I would deny a piece! :) My nephew, Cohen, came with us down to Cali for my appointment. Just for fun. Just to have some alone time and fun time with me and Mam'ma and Papa. He is 9 and never stops talking. So funny for a boy. I kid you not, this adorable little man is CONSTANTLY talking. If he isn't talking to anyone in particular he is just mumbling and speaking the thoughts in his head out loud. He hums when he eats and whistles, hums or sings when he walks. It's quite entertaining to watch. And when you need a little moment of silence from the gabber, he is really good at turning on his "mute button". Haha, we had fun with him on our short little eating trip. Because that's what it was. An eating trip! And Co's little growing body that always wants to eat was just perfect to bring along. :)
The next morning we went to a place called Joe's Cafe. Back in January, when we went on our 'trip from hell' we ate there. (re-cap: this was the trip that just about everything that could go wrong, went wrong.. dad's computer fell out of the car and broke. The car broke down and had to be towed. Dad waited 2 hours for the tow truck which kept saying he was a half an hour away. Surgery was canceled because I got a sinus infection. Rental car was the size of my shoe. Mom had a panic attack over that). So when things go from bad to worse what can ya do? LAUGH. That's what. So that's what we did. My mom, dad, Tyson and I sure had a wonderful time just laughing and laughing at the domino affect of misfortune on that trip. That morning we went out to breakfast at Joe's. I had the chorizo. I remember loving it and I had been craving it so that was my choice for breakfast when I was cleared to eat soft foods! Unfortunately the chorizo was too hard. I got tiny little snippets of it, but I could still taste it in my food and the rest of my breakfast was just wonderful. Second thing I had been craving was In n Out. Still can't eat their burgers so I got animal style fries. Lightly cooked and extra spread to make them soft and mushy and boy where they amazing! If you're wondering what animal style is- I feel sorry for you right about now- it makes In n Out's burgers and fries so much better! Animal style on their fries is spread, cheese, and grilled chopped onions spread over the top. And on their burgers its the spread, grilled onions and pickles added. And if you're wondering what 'spread' is then you live under a rock and I am not explaining that one! In n Out has a small secret menu..just google it. That's my answer to anything I don't know.. google it. And my answer to any sadness or illness- long hot shower/bath. Works for me every time!
Oh! You know what is so cool? I can bite my food! Like a real bite. It makes that perfect 'C' shape in the food too! A can actually bite my food and it breaks it clean. It's so weird. It amazes me. I have not been able to do that for YEARS. Before surgery I had what they call an 'open bite'. Which means when I bite down, my teeth in the back are touching, but my teeth in the front are far from it. I would bite all the way down and with my back teeth touching, I would be able to stick my tongue all the way out of my mouth through the gap between my top and bottom teeth. So I couldn't eat sandwiches, pizza, tacos, burger etc. because when I would bite down, everything in the middle would pull right out. Or the whole thing would just slide right now. Are you getting the picture in your head? Not pretty, not fun, super annoying and frustrating. So I resorted to tearing my food apart with my teeth best I could.. like a wolf. Yup, I ate like a wolf with a mess all over my face. Sure was pretty I tell ya! Not. So this whole being able to bite thing is so great for me and I love it!
Okay.. are you ready for the highlight of the trip? We were walking down to the beach after dinner. We were noticing the sidewalk was extremely splotchy.. remnants of millions of bird poop. I look above us and see lots of nests and white fluffy birds. "Look at the nests and white birds mom", SPLAT!! She screams, I scream. Surely it was just a berry that has fallen and hit us. Guess again. Bird poop! In my moms hair, her arm and the corner of her EYE! Mom instantly drops to the floor laughing, Cohen, dad and I bust up. We were all dying. It was absolutely hilarious! Luckily, the hotel was close, we just walked back to take care of the mess. My poor mother is the random one who gets hit by foul balls and bird poop! HAHA! Good thing she is such a good sport! Why get mad about it? What is that going to do but ruin your mood and day? It's funny, let it be funny! I've learned that from her.
Well I've got many more days of blissful eating ahead of me and you better believe I am going to enjoy and savor every single bite!! And of course mom and I documented in pictures my first meal...enjoy:

10 weeks after surgery- 10! that seems like forever but feels like not forever ago

checking bite

Co-Dawg

this is as much emotion as I can show at this point. still numb. still stiff. just got the "go ahead" for soft chew diet!!! YAY!!!

on our way to dinner

parental units

handsome boy

my little gift :)

JUMP FOR JOY!

what was inside my gift

Mediterranean Focaccia- so so good!!

Chicken Piccata- heavenly goodness

before..

after.. think I did pretty good!

first bite, first chew. laughing and enjoying

confetti cupcakes!!

pure satisfaction

splotchy sidewalk..

bird poop

bird poop

we found an amphitheater 

loungin' lion